Happy-As-They-Could-Be Holidays

Despite it all, we did manage to have a Happy Holiday. It's hard not to with a 2-year-old in tow. He was thrilled that Santa left all those goodies for him. He had fun running around our families houses getting into trouble. He ate more Christmas cookies than any good pediatrician would recommend. It really did turn out to be a fun week, filled with food, fun and family.

We were able to have a truly awesome present and have my Grandma Schwartz there for our holiday party this year--she's undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer that has spread all over her body, and we didn't think she was going to be able to make the trip down from Three Lakes, but she was there, and in great spirits. It was so wonderful to be able to spend Christmas with her.

It was weird--with everyone's budgets on lockdown these days, we'd pretty much decided not to exchange grownup gifts with almost everyone, so I actually only opened one present myself, but with Will it felt like a non-stop parade of gifts! Christmas really is for kids--and it was great!!! (p.s. the gift I did receive was an AWESOME sewing machine from my mother-in-law and I am SO EXCITED!! Look for updates when I learn how to use this bad-boy and make my millions on Etsy.com!)

We hope that everyone had a wonderful and merry Christmas and is looking forward to 2010 with the hope that we are.

Back Seat Mommy...

For the better part of a month, this is exactly what I've been. A Back Seat Mommy. Since my dad died, I've been completely consumed with this loss. I've been "logistically" consumed, with the details--memorial arrangements, cleaning out his apartment, getting ready for the beautiful tribute concert. But I'm also emotionally consumed. I spend most of my days thinking of him, missing him, crying into photos, clothes, and wallpapering my home with momentos.

Since I've never experienced a close loss before, I didn't know how I grieve. I've seen other people go through it enough to know that everyone really does grieve differently. I see that some people are "doers". They need to keep busy. Others pull back, close the drapes. Some drink till its numb. Turns out--I obsess. I've read his obituary 100 times...I stalk his friends on Facebook just to see if their status is still reflecting their pain...I write to him...I talk about him constantly, and think about him even more.

In all this sadness, I feel like I've missed a month of Will's gorgeous little life... On days when I snap my head out of the fog of grief I realize he's learned so many new words. He's even starting to string together sentences--turns out most of them are pretty funny.

Lots of bossiness these days!
"Mommy get it"
"No, I do it"
"I don't like it"
"Go Mommy's car"

He's pretty sharp too--the things he remembers is unreal to me. Usually things I've hidden that I don't want him to have. Treats he had--I got one of those big popcorn tins for St. Nick, and I keep trying to hide that damn thing but everyday (all day) "More popcorn! CHEESE Popcorn! YELLOW Popcorn!". He always leaves the pile of caramel corn "I don't like it!". How odd! :)

I have to try and remember how much my dad loved him, and how much he wouldn't want me to miss a single second of a day-in-the-life-of-William. Spending days with Will is what he dreamed about, and I'm so lucky to have every single one of them. Every day Will notices a picture lying here or there (they're everywhere right now) and will say "Hi Papa". He'll wave, and say "Yuv you!". And then there I go in a heap again....but my god--how blessed am I that I had 2 years of them knowing and loving each other. I thank God every day for that, and will happily live with the pain of the days we won't have.

The Proudest Papa There Ever Was...

Love at first sight...

My dad...Will's Papa...passed away yesterday.....unexpectedly, from a heart attack...and I still don't honestly know all the details...

What I do know is that I am so heartbroken...and so overcome, that I don't know where else to turn but the keyboard....The written-word is always the best outlet for me. It helps me organize and clear my head in a way that talking never could.

It may seem weird to be blogging about this so soon--but I feel lost. Normally, when I feel like this--I call my dad....

I need to hear his voice so badly right now...I always do when I'm feeling sad or scared. I feel like I have to continue to talk to him--I know how much he liked to read whatever I wrote. I feel like it was my connection to him. He was a singer and songwriter and I sometimes hoped he saw my writing as my songs without the melody....

As an unabashed Daddy's Girl, I could go on and on about how hard this is and will be for me. My relationship with him was very full and very special. But what I'm having the hardest time with right now, is my loss for Will...

When I told my dad that I was pregnant with Will, he cried like a baby he was so thrilled for me (and partially, I know he just couldn't believe I was grown up enough for this to be possible!). When my pregnancy developed complications and the threat of losing Will was so very, very real, I know that the only person who took it as hard as Jeff and I did, was my dad. I remember him telling me that he laid on the ground, in the space between his bed and the wall, because it was the only place that felt as low as he did. It was also so hard for him because it was the first (and I think last) time that I didn't come to him first in my time of stress. I leaned on Jeff, which is how we all knew it should have been, and my dad was left to grieve alone.

He later told me another story....when I was pregnant, my dad became obsessed with buying my coming little one a metal pedal car. He says he just knew it was a boy, and he just had to buy him this car. There was one week during my pregnancy that the threat of losing Will was so close, that many people, including my dad, had thought that our baby had passed away. On that day, my dad, who was a courrier, was making a delivery to an office building, and he walked into the office and sitting there was one of these metal pedal cars that he wanted so badly to buy for my baby. When I talked with him later and he found out that our little one was still alive and kickin' he said he knew that was a sign that our little boy would live to drive that car. I wish everyone who knew him could have been there watching on Will's 1st birthday when his Papa presented him with his shiny yellow pedal tow truck....

I'm trying hard to remember all my blessings....my dad watched me fulfil many of the dreams he had for me...he walked me down the aisle at my wedding...he was able to watch me welcome Will into the world...he saw his 1st and 2nd birthdays and christmases...he saw Will learn to walk and heard him learn to talk. And just this past Saturday, for the first and only time he heard Will tell his Papa "yeaub you" ....love you....

Anyone who's talked with my dad will tell you that his conversations were always full of updates on his girls, and lately mostly of Will...

He was truly the happiest, most proud Papa there ever was...and I will try and go forward knowing how happy and full these last years were for him....

I love you Dad....I will think of you and miss you every single day for the rest of my life. I will not let your memory fade, and I will raise Will to know how much you loved him and how much you loved his mama.

Special Kid, Special Day

Since we'd had Will's birthday bash a couple of weeks before his actual big day, we spent the day quietly as a family. We had a fun afternoon at the Betty Brinn Children's Museum. This place is awesome, and PERFECT for a 2 year old who's just starting to get into the fun of pretending. His favorites were the bank (he wanted "my tickets, my tickets" aka money--I'm not sure why he calls money "tickets" but it cracks me up.), he loved the ramps that you rolled golf balls down and probably could have done that all day, and he was a big fan of the Harley exhibit with mismatched motorcycle parts--this kid is allll boy. :)

We went out for a quick lunch, which for Jeff is more stressful than fun, but we were one of 3 tables at Applebees, so I say, really, who cares. Will's favorite part was repeatedly releasing his balloon to the ceiling and saying "oops" as if it were an accident. A close second was his favorite mealtime treat-french fries--he really is my child!

We had a fun Elmo birthday cake in the evening with Grandma Hoppe, and Grandma & Papa Lloyd. However, the rendition of "Happy Birthday to You" makes Will hide under the table in embarrassment (he is Jeff's child too I guess! We all know I eat that attention up!).

It was a great to celebrate our baby turning TWO!

Trick or Treat

This year Trick-or-Treat was a whole new ballgame. With the boys all old enough to hit the streets, we took it a bit more seriously. We decided to go with a theme, and Sadie cleverly came up with The Wizard of Oz. We were even lucky enough to have a few brand-new girlies who were willing to step in as Dorothy and Glenda the Good Witch. I can't wait to see what next year brings with Teri's new baby Maggie and Jen's little Secret Name Mantei.

I will tell you--these boys sure got the hang of what Trick-or-Treating is! As soon as Will realized that each house brought more candy, he was sprinting down the streets. No time for wagons or strollers--this guy had to RUN!

I had to open the very first piece so he could eat it the rest of the trip or he would have been a basket-case.

Unfortunately it was only about 45 degrees with a howling wind, so we didn't make it too far, but for 1 and 2 year olds, I think it was sufficient!

We returned to Sadie's for a GOULISH feast of Mummy Pizzas, Dounught Eyeballs, Graveyard Dip, Tootsie Roll Shots (for the grownups), Mummy Hot Dogs & Jack-o-Lantern Fruit Cups! That girl really knows how to throw a Monster Bash! (she keeps me on my toes!! :))

The Great Pumpkin

Well, wouldn't you know it, on the day I probably WOULD have planned Will's party, it turns out to be 60 degrees--sheeeesh!!!

All's well that ends well I guess--having this day free led to a WONDERFUL day at the Pumpkin Farm!!! I'll say it again, this age of True Toddlerism is so fantastic because everything is just so fun! A tractor ride is thrilling, animals are mesmerizing, pumpkins are an intriguing and exciting new thing--so taking a 2 year old to the Pumpkin Farm is just like reliving your own first trip to the Pumpkin Farm. We spend 2 gorgeous, sunshiny hours checking out pumpkins, animals, painting pumpkins and just being silly as a family. It was awesome.

I love this time of year--everything smells so good, looks so beautiful and it now reminds me of the time of year that Will came into my life (I feel like he knew that October was just so much prettier than January!).

The Storm Before the Calm....

We so happily celebrated our little miracle's 2nd birthday this weekend, 10 days before his actual birthday.

I planned this party, oh-so-carefully, this early because
a.) I wanted it on a Sunday, because Jeff works Saturdays
b.) there was no Packer game this particular Sunday
c.) in hopes for warmer weather a few weeks early...

....yeah....so....it was approximately 40 degrees. Go figure. You think I'd learn about these outdoor parties with 50 people coming...no back up location....yeah....

Well, ANYway, the party was a huge success and I have so many people to thank for braving the cold, showering this most-spoiled boy with wonderful gifts, helping me put the last minute touches on the party, and sooo much more.

I'm glad we had this crazy, over-the-top day for my special guy a little early, because I now have just 9 short days to wipe the tears from my eyes as I watch my baby transform into a toddler...who walks, talks, jokes and pretends....who knows what he wants and how to ask for it...who knows who he loves and how to show them....who knows how to light up any and every room...

But who may never know just how much I love him....because there is no word strong enough and no birthday party grand enough to show him how special he is to me. Each night I put him to bed a little sad that the special day we shared is over yet so excited to greet the next one with him.

FINALLY!!!

I can finally, finally, FINALLY say that Will is an OFFICIAL and true WALKER!! He's been taking steps for quite a few months now, but I knew I wouldn't feel right telling people he was really and truly walking until he could stand himself up without pulling up on something.

About a month ago, our temporary Physical Therapist told me that she didn't think Will was physically capable of standing himself up--2 weeks later he did exactly that right in front of her for the first time!! Her reaction was slim to none--imagine my irritation with her!

This has opened up a whole world for all of us. So many people said for so long "be careful what you wish for!" when it came to walking, and I don't feel that way at ALL! He's become so much happier and less frustrated since it's all come together. The Zoo seems more exciting--so much land to roam! The backyard, however, seems smaller (to him) but I think bigger (to me--or maybe I'm just more tired???). Playdates are a whole new world--he can join in on the fun, throwing balls, chasing, getting into trouble, ya know, the works! :)

Most of all, when people ask me, "How's Will doing", instead of "oh, pretty good, still working on the walking....", I just respond with a triumphant "GREAT!!!!"

Yackity Yack--He's Talking Back!

Will's vocabulary has exploded in the last couple of weeks. He was really sick all last week and didn't have too much to say, and now it's almost like he spent those lazy days mentally studying all the things I say, because my phrases are now his phrases. He's hysterically now trying out:
"Aw Man!"
"Oh Boy!"
"I Don't Know" (sounds more like "I neyo neyo!?")
"Yep" and "Yeah"
"All Gone"
"All Done"

He's really good with: Eat, More, Mama, Dada, Buh-Bye, Hi, Up, Down, Out, Horse, Kitty, Dog, Cookie, No, Hot, Ball, Please, Eyes, Na-Nigh (night, night), Milk, Ba-Ba, Ook (nuk) and Aag (rag), Home, Baby, Mickey, Ah-Pa! (Grandpa) & Poop. :)

He likes to watch "A-Basssse" (Baseball) and loves "MoMo" or "Ahhh-Mo" (Elmo). He commands Jeff and I to "Bawww! Bawww!" (Bowl--on the Wii) and can't get enough of "Ahsiiiyed! Ahsiiiiyed!!!" (Outside).

He's tried out "Oh Tarter Sauce!" (he learned this from my aunt and mother--I think it's supposed to be a swear substitute?) On that note, I'm not too proud to admit that he also throws out "Aww, Shit"......

Total Toddler

I feel like I'm often complaining about parenting a Tenacious Toddler--and I think I have the actual battle wounds to prove my point--however, I was watching that little ball of energy the other day and thinking there really are so many things that I love about this age...

...That I get to do all the fun "kid" activities again, like going to the park or the zoo, and yet he's too young to ask for a wax animal or be upset if we don't ride the train

...That I don't look like a moron chasing after the Ice Cream Truck, but he can roll right by and Will just waves "Bye Bye" Ice Cream Man--not a tear shed

...He's just starting to become my favorite age of all--the Stand Up Comedian Toddler. The more words he uses the funnier he is. (I know I'll be regretting this as the Talking Back Preschooler emerges...)

...One, long, predictable nap-time. You can't beat it.

...I've given up worrying about what I eat. I don't have time to think about it, and I'm generally running so fast that I'm just excited that I have time to eat!

...A new ball from the Dollar Store is just as exciting as a new bike. Cheap thrills.

...I have a great summer tan (albeit, a Farmer Tan) from being outside for every daylight hour.

...I don't even remember what boredom feels like.

...Becoming reacquainted with Sesame Street. That show is timeless, hilarious, touching and brilliant.

...Getting real, "I love you mommy" type hugs

There are plenty of things that I don't love about the Terrible Toddler years, but as I start to manage the chaos (slowwwwly but surely), there are more and more things that I will miss so dearly as time marches on...

Oh Whadda Face...

It's been awhile since I've added just a few fun pictures, so here are some of my lastest favorites and the things we've been up to!

Under the Big Top (aka-"I DIG Trucks")

We visited the Great Circus Festival downtown this summer (it really was summer, despite the clouds, jeans and sweatshirts). Apparently it hadn't been here in like 6 years, which I didn't even realize, but I did know it was F-R-E-E so we headed down. We met up with our buddies Carter, Aidan and Liam and their mom's Jen and Amy. The circus stuff was a little weird and sketchy, but now that I think about it, the circus is supposed to be weird and sketchy, right? Lots of strange animals in way-too-small cages (look out PETA). Some guy in a jumpsuit doing "death-defying" stunts. Lots of cool wagons to look at. Turns out, our favorite part was a display of big trucks--bulldozers, tractors, etc. I believe the festival was sponsored by the company that make the bulldozers and stuff, which was why this was even there. This is Will's latest obsession. He was in heaven. Very upset with me that I could not unlock these highly dangerous machines and let him have at it, but he liked climbing on and in what he could.

The Ice Cream Man Cometh

We FINALLY live in a neighborhood where the ice cream man visits almost nightly. I personally LU-HUV the ice cream man. I love anyone who vends goodies from a stand and/or truck. You should have seen me when "All Around the Mulberry Bush" was chiming off in the distance. "Gimme some money!!!" I said wildly to Jeff who handed over his wallet like he was being mugged or something. I grabbed the money, grabbed Will and practically skipped out to the curb!! It didn't take long to pick out an ice cream sandwich for me and this delicious "Bomb Pop"-style sorbet thing for Will and we were yummy, sticky messes in no time.

More Prematurity?

Why does this child decide to do the things that should come later, earlier (ya know, like being born and all) and things that should come earlier, later?

While walking is still something we are struggling with at 20 months, I'm happy to announce that it something we are dabbling in! Will takes anywhere from 4-15 steps at a time now. Some days he can make it clear across the room. Unfortunately, it's more propelled on by momentum and not so much by control, so it's very drunken-style and tip-toed but nonetheless, it's more and more every day, so that rocks. However, we are still quite behind on the gross-motor spectrum.

What I'm a little stressed about these though, is that I feel that the Terrible Two's have arrived approximately 4 months prematurely. Here is a sampling of my lovely laundry list of Terrible Toddler behavior that is making it's way around my house on a daily basis.

• We need to removed from the top of the kitchen or coffee table multiple times a day. We like to grip on with steriod-like strength so it takes Mom both hands and sometimes a second person to complete the task.
• We've learned to ask for our nuk (calling it "oook" "oook" "oook") and will request it 8000 times until said "oook" is relinquished or we will crumble into a ball of tantrum on the nearest floor.
• When we're feeling irritated with Mommy, or just feeling spunky, we decide that sticking out our tongue and spitting are a great way to express this feeling.
• If we're removed from a fun (a.k.a. "dangerous") situation, biting Mom in the shoulder is definitely the best way to get our disapproval across.
• Toys sound really great when every single one is chucked across the room. Response to "No, Will, no throwing toys" is to laugh and throw one farther and harder. Maybe even at Mom, we'll see what moves us.
• When we've decided we've had enough to eat, we like to give mom the Devil Smile and throw any leftovers to the non-existent dogs. If we're extra jazzed, we might mash it through our fingers before we send it flying (i.e. last night's 1/2 banana).
• Outside is the only acceptable place to be spending our time right now, regardless of weather (hail, thunder or extreme heat) and hanging from the door knob and screaming is our only comfortable way to express this desire.

To put the icing on the cake for Mommy, we've proudly mastered "Da", "Dada" and even "Daddy" when we're dressed to impress, but when asked who I am, or to "Say Mama" we answer with "Um" or "Ba" or just skip right over it all and request the "oook" one final time....

All Alone in a Crowded Room...

This past Memorial Day weekend, I told my mother that I'm taking a hiatus from family functions. I told her this while I was wiping pureed carrots from my leg...the floor...the highchair...the china cabinet...I told her this while 10 other people blissfully covered in barbeque sauce enjoyed their ribs (hot), corn on the cob (hot) and beer (cold). Eventually I was able to return to my plate, and finished my ribs (cold), corn (cold) and beer (warm).

I used to think that I was unable to enjoy the gatherings of friends and families if they were either at a home that was not quite ready for a destructive toddler, or perhaps it was if I was single-mom-ing it that day. But no. My mom has toys, a high chair, and most valuables out of reach. No, Jeff was there (among the blissful). No, I think it's just these wonderful toddler years that make it impossible for me to relax and enjoy myself when we gather together.

I don't want to make it seem like Will is naughty. He's not naughty to be naughty (well, not all the time). But he is at that horribly curious, energetic, on-the-go-wanna-touch it-eat it-climb on it-stage. He's too stranger-shy to be wrangled--I mean, entertained--by anyone but Jeff and I right now. He still can't walk, so he's frustrated all the time, and generally gets that frustration out by climbing on things he shouldn't or grabbing for things he can't have or eating things that just may kill him.

When Jeff joins me, I do get the occasional break--he's great at chasing him around for awhile, but when I'm flying solo, there's just no way I can do it anymore. Unless I'm in a padded room.

I Digress...

This is going to make no sense. I'm going to babble and probably bob and weave all over the place here. But seeing as this is more of a journal for me than a widely read publication, I'm going to go ahead and let it...flow...

So, I sometimes wonder if it looks like I don't try. Or maybe that I'm a total mess. Well, let's be honest, obviously I'm a total mess, but I do like to think that I try...

I am a very lucky woman. I have a miracle baby who makes my heart sing in tunes it never knew it knew. I have a husband who challenges me in all way--good, bad and ugly. I have a job that I really do enjoy. Truth be told, I hate working and I hate that it takes me away from Will, but I know that working isn't an option, so I'm lucky to enjoy the job that I have. I have a family that I am close to and who I know loves me. I have every basic need met-and I know that is so much more than many, many, many people have.

But where I'm really lucky, is the same place that makes me the most crazy. It's the part of my life that makes me most who I am. It's the part of my life that spreads me the most thin. It's the part of my life that brings me some of the most joy. It's the part of my life that keeps my calendar full, my inbox full, my mailbox full, my phone ringing, my mouth moving and my heart overflowing. Where I'm really lucky--is my friendships.

I have a number of "groups" of friends.

My most obvious "circle" is my DC girls. These girls are my completely solid rock. They are my go-to for everything. Love advice, parenting advice, job advice. I turn to them for fun times, and always when my heart is on hard times. They are my true angels, and I'd be lost without them.

My sister and my cousin (1 year younger and 1 year older respectively) are some of my best friends, and my "low maintenance" friendships. Proximity keeps our relationship so easy. I can say preeeeetty much anything to them, and I'm not afraid of unmendable repercussions. This, of course, is good and bad.

I've also been lucky to make such great work-friends. I have a small circle of girls, that are harder to keep in touch with, from each working-world stint I've left behind. The range of personalities and gifts is so huge, that it keeps me so wildly entertained.

My high school friends--a small group, but oh, some of the sweetest friendships.

My Facebook friends. Ahhh my Facebook friends. Holy cow, talk about keeping me busy. Or is addicted a better word.

My Friends-in-Law. This is what I call the ladies I've met through Jeff. While I haven't necessarily thought the most highly of Jeff guy-friends--they get Jeff into a bit too much trouble for my taste--they managed to bring some awesome chicks to the table. I've really enjoyed growing up and moving through life stages with these women.

My "mommy" friends. I've been so lucky to meet these new mommy friends at Gymboree and through my other mommy friends. It is awesome to have people to do fun things with, with Will and their little ones. I love exposing Will to all his own different circles of playmates. I also love having a group of women that I can gush incessantly about nuks, tantrums, first words, best playgrounds, blah, blah, blah--it never ends.

The point of all this rambling is that because my life is so full of love and friendship--it sometimes may look like it's lacking in other areas. Sometimes, I have a sink full of dishes because I'm chatting on Facebook. Sometimes grocery shopping gets done at the last minute because I spent my Saturday afternoon at the Zoo with some mommy-friends. Sometimes my laundry isn't done because I met some work-girls for drinks. Sometimes Jeff make a frozen pizza for dinner because Will and I are hanging with the DC girls.

Could I have a cleaner house, more organized bills, folded laundry and baked goods on the counter? Yes. Would I rather have a calendar full of memories and more photos than I'd ever be able to find the time to scrapbook--that's a hell yes.

My life may not be neat and tidy--and sometimes I'm hard to get a hold of--but I love it, and I wouldn't change a thing.

(Short) March for Babies

Today was our March of Dimes fundraising Walk, the March for Babies. I formed our team, Will's Wobbly Walkers very last minute, just over a month ago. Because I was a little late in the game, I initially set our sights low--I set our team goal at just $500 and thought there was no way we'd reach it. I hadn't even mentioned the walk to anyone prior to signing up! But in just 5 weeks we'd recruited 23 walkers and raised more than $1500!!! I couldn't believe it. I also managed to get t-shirts made for our grownups and designed some pretty spiffy special shirts for our Preemie honorees (we had THREE preemies on the team!) and for their full-term peeps. Surprisingly, I didn't even lose too much sleep over it! Things were going all too smoothly!!....

I should have known. The BIG DAY arrived, I had everything organized, we were on time (early, really) everyone had their shirts on, the babies were cute and happy, we even managed to get a GREAT team photo. The emcee started the Walk with a countdown...3...2...1...and we were off....

Within 50 feet...the skies opened up. The temperature dropped a noticeable 20 degrees, the wind howled and most of the 1000+ walkers made a brisk right turn into the parking structure just past the start line. We holed up in the chilly garage for 20 minutes or so, scrambling to put our big group back together and decide what to do. With no clear skies in sight, we decided to call it a wash and celebrate early with a nice, warm, DRY lunch at Chili's! I was disappointed, but was just happy to have my team together and raise a glass to our fundraising success!!!

I already have the wheels turning for next year.....