Happy-As-They-Could-Be Holidays

Despite it all, we did manage to have a Happy Holiday. It's hard not to with a 2-year-old in tow. He was thrilled that Santa left all those goodies for him. He had fun running around our families houses getting into trouble. He ate more Christmas cookies than any good pediatrician would recommend. It really did turn out to be a fun week, filled with food, fun and family.

We were able to have a truly awesome present and have my Grandma Schwartz there for our holiday party this year--she's undergoing chemo and radiation for cancer that has spread all over her body, and we didn't think she was going to be able to make the trip down from Three Lakes, but she was there, and in great spirits. It was so wonderful to be able to spend Christmas with her.

It was weird--with everyone's budgets on lockdown these days, we'd pretty much decided not to exchange grownup gifts with almost everyone, so I actually only opened one present myself, but with Will it felt like a non-stop parade of gifts! Christmas really is for kids--and it was great!!! (p.s. the gift I did receive was an AWESOME sewing machine from my mother-in-law and I am SO EXCITED!! Look for updates when I learn how to use this bad-boy and make my millions on Etsy.com!)

We hope that everyone had a wonderful and merry Christmas and is looking forward to 2010 with the hope that we are.

Back Seat Mommy...

For the better part of a month, this is exactly what I've been. A Back Seat Mommy. Since my dad died, I've been completely consumed with this loss. I've been "logistically" consumed, with the details--memorial arrangements, cleaning out his apartment, getting ready for the beautiful tribute concert. But I'm also emotionally consumed. I spend most of my days thinking of him, missing him, crying into photos, clothes, and wallpapering my home with momentos.

Since I've never experienced a close loss before, I didn't know how I grieve. I've seen other people go through it enough to know that everyone really does grieve differently. I see that some people are "doers". They need to keep busy. Others pull back, close the drapes. Some drink till its numb. Turns out--I obsess. I've read his obituary 100 times...I stalk his friends on Facebook just to see if their status is still reflecting their pain...I write to him...I talk about him constantly, and think about him even more.

In all this sadness, I feel like I've missed a month of Will's gorgeous little life... On days when I snap my head out of the fog of grief I realize he's learned so many new words. He's even starting to string together sentences--turns out most of them are pretty funny.

Lots of bossiness these days!
"Mommy get it"
"No, I do it"
"I don't like it"
"Go Mommy's car"

He's pretty sharp too--the things he remembers is unreal to me. Usually things I've hidden that I don't want him to have. Treats he had--I got one of those big popcorn tins for St. Nick, and I keep trying to hide that damn thing but everyday (all day) "More popcorn! CHEESE Popcorn! YELLOW Popcorn!". He always leaves the pile of caramel corn "I don't like it!". How odd! :)

I have to try and remember how much my dad loved him, and how much he wouldn't want me to miss a single second of a day-in-the-life-of-William. Spending days with Will is what he dreamed about, and I'm so lucky to have every single one of them. Every day Will notices a picture lying here or there (they're everywhere right now) and will say "Hi Papa". He'll wave, and say "Yuv you!". And then there I go in a heap again....but my god--how blessed am I that I had 2 years of them knowing and loving each other. I thank God every day for that, and will happily live with the pain of the days we won't have.